Bubble, Husband a.k.a Tom
Billy, 1st son, Photographer
www.billymichels.com
Scott, 2nd son, Rock Star
Mandy, Darling daughter
Erin, Billy's progressive wife
Tatiana, Scott's wife, Artiste
www.tatianamuska.com
Matt, Mandy's progressive husband
Cadence, Grandaughter extraordinaire
Desmond, Grandson extraordinaire
Gladys, Scott and Tatiana's "spunky" canine
Boomer, Billy and Erin's "playful" canine
Puss in Boots, Our cat
Millie, Mandy's cat
Archive of Essays
An Only Child Grows Up
Christmas Thoughts
Journey to the Pew
Before Men Hugged
Love, Carol. Dot.Com
Ringing Pocketbooks
Grandparenting 101
The Bragging Absolution
Identity Verification
And I Have a Ton of Sippy Cups!
Flunking Dog Bath
Wrapping It Up
"Are we there yet, Son?" A Story of Role Reversal: Traveling with Adult Children
There are certain "Rules of Life for Your Own Good" that should never be broken. The number one commandment on the list should be "Do not go to the grocery store when you are hungry."
I broke that rule yesterday.
I only needed some laundry detergent to attack the growing piles of dirty clothes surrounding the hungry washing machine. I would just duck into the store and be out in a few minutes. No worry about manic over-consumption. Just swinging through the market to the household goods department.
I knew I was flirting with danger as soon as I entered the store. There was a massive display of buy-one-get-one-free potato chips blocking the entrance just past the cart rack. I took a deep cleansing breath and marched smugly by the beckoning bulging bags of salty crunchies. I lost ground, however, at the next obstacle: a big table of homemade looking coffee cakes and cookies and a grinning lady handing out free samples. Well, I thought, just try one little cookie. Make her day. I knew I should choose something that I didn't like, but my hand went right for the double chocolate, chocolate chip. Now, get moving, I thought again to myself. Go for the soap. Aisle 20. Only 19 to go.
Just a few turns of my cart wheels away, I spied a pyramid of Sunkist oranges. Images of sweet carroty colored nectar rolling off my chin as I sucked on one of those seductive seedless navels gave way to a bag of the beauties plopping into my cart. Fruit is healthy, yes? OK, so let's add a bag of apples, some pears, a few grapefruit, and grapes! Ah yes, grapes on sale, no less. Who can resist? Get out of this department, I told myself, find the soap! Should be easy from now on. Broccoli is boring, lettuce does nothing for hunger. Go, go, get to the detergent aisle. Oh, wait, slow down, here's the cheese case. Just let me see if they have anything new? Manchego from Spain? How delightful. Into the cart, just a little chunk . .and some first-rate crisp crackers to go with it. Maybe just a little container of hummus. Oh look, onion dip is on sale. Yes sir, into the cart! I can always use onion dip. Better go back to the front door and grab some of those buy-one-get-one-free potato chips to go with it. And. . might as well have another cookie from the nice lady at the free cookie table.
Now I'm back on track. Off to the detergent aisle, for real.
Well, what do you know? Rib eyes on sale. And pot roast. Two for one!! Better take advantage of these prices. But I guess I should go back to the produce aisle for some potatoes and carrots. Oh, and while I'm here . .just one more cookie from that nice lady. Thinking of cookies, we are definitely out of Oreos.
By now, my hunger has reached seismic levels. I am grabbing anything edible I have ever eaten and some I've only heard about on the Food Network, but never tried. Hearts of palm, black olives soaked in chipolte hot sauce, wasabi sauce imported from Toyko, stone ground corn meal pudding mix. My God, get me to detergents! I pry open the bag of Oreos with my teeth and have a few. Butter is a bargain. Four pounds into the cart. Some kielbasa would be good on the grill. Sauerkraut, yes, of course, sauerkraut to go with the kielbasa. The biggest, sloppiest bag I can find. That reminds of hot dogs. Yes, hot dogs. No. no . .not good for us. No hot dogs. Definitely not hot dogs! But, pretzels are OK. Three bags of different size pretzels. And munch just one more Oreo. Need strength.
And some cold cuts. "Slice them very thin," I advise the counterman. "Do you want to taste this rosemary ham?" he queries, dangling an appetizing slice across the meat case at me. "Of course", I hear myself saying. "I'll taste them all!" I'm beginning to feel a little queasy. The double chocolate, chocolate chip cookies, the Oreos, a few pretzels, I think, and now ham and cheese, store cooked turkey and a slice of roast beef are mixing and not very matching in my stomach.
I make it to the check out counter and unload this huge assortment of unnecessary items. I make a nervous giggly comment about not having to pay for a half bag of cookies. The check out lady didn't laugh. Guess she's heard that lame joke before. She did, however, ask me if I had found everything.
I was dragging the last bag of stuff into the house when I remembered the detergent.